All on the way to office

It happened last week on my way to office. My schedule has been irrattic last few weeks. I start my day early but start for the office late. I'd had an irascible morning and as I drove out it had started to rain. As I meandered through Bhundup traffic the iTunes started playing moonlight sonata. It's one piece of music that dissolves all my stress and relaxes me. The iTunes is always in random mode but that day it kind of sensed my mood. It just lined up some soulful music Forrest Gump, picnic in hanging garden, babel.... Standing still in the traffic I switched off the wipers and stared at the shield, the smattering of the droplets as they crashed over it. In seconds the shield was covered I could not see anything ahead. Then slowly the droplets turned into rivulets and the shield cleared up with streams tracing their way down. I was at peace as if in a trance.

In about 50 min I was at oberoi mall flyover signal waiting at the signal. As I blankly stared out of the car, a glimpse of something jolted me back to life. A girl was selling flowers. The Silhouette, the short cropped hair, dripping water, the built, as seen through the kaleidoscope of rain it seemed like my daughter, soaked to her skin, peering through the glass of another car. The window was rolled up and the lady inside was negotiating with show of fingers. Finally a deal brokered, the window peeled and transaction was completed. As the girl turned around she caught my eye. I nodded. she came over. I opened the window, took out the purse and she handed over the bouquet. I reached out, ruffled her hair, exchanged it for a 50. She broke into a big smile revealing 2 missing front teeth and rushed under the flyover where I guess her family lived. The signal had turned and I drove on. This time the droplets forming at the corner of my eyes.

Just 5 min from office I wade through a crowded street. I was moving ahead when a tempo cut me out. Then I cut him out and then some harsh words were exchanged while the traffic behind honked and jeered. As I drove into office and parked my car i found my mood restored to its original state.

Month 119

The second month. There are some destructive patterns building up on personal front. The job is hectic and uninspiring. This is the first political account within my company that I've worked for. Its also the biggest. It may be difficult to last here. My guilt around my daughter is growing. From teaching her twice a week, I've come down to 0. Can't make it back home in time to teach her. My wife has put her in a tuition. I'm required to drop her to the class, which requires me to be home at 6:15, just once a week and even that looks daunting. I had to push back on 2 invites and answer one escalation for this. I've told my team about this and yet they continue to schedule things around this time. There was a similar thing last week too. I'll fight this. I owe this to my daughter.

The point is all the education and degrees have gotten me a job. That job takes away my energies, kills my passion, thwarts my ambition and doesn't provide enough to retire early.

I always wanted to build things. If not a software engineer, I'd loved to be an architect or a civil engineer. I'm not very creative and yet the process of creation excites me. Building myself or being part of a kick ass team that builds things, even software.